PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
