My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
