Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
