sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Couch. On fire.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
