his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
