I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
