I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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