If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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