I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize