how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Is it penis luge time yet?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
