So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
