Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Randomize
