Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
