If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
