She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Randomize
