i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
