Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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