I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
There was a lot of him and a little penis
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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