I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
