She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
