i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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