i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
