I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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