I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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