life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
