Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
