I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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