I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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