What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
