she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I'm at about main and main street
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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