theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
