i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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