he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize