bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
