Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
