you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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