how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize