I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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