Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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