but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
