Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
