I faked an abortion last night.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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