do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
