i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
