Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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