So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
