I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
