in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
i need some magic done to my vagina
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
