You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
