Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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