Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Randomize
