so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
