why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
