the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
