And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
