Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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