I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
