I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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