I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
My penis needs a shock collar
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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