it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
