Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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