I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
