and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
