I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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