A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
