So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
