I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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