I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize