sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize